Johnny Depp Survivor
by Pyrate Rose
Summary: What would happen if 9 of Johnny Depp's characters got stranded on an island together? Incl. Mort Rainey, Spencer Armacost, Glen, Sam, Edward, Jack, Inspector Abberline, DonJuan and now WILLY WONKA
1. Pirates and Bumble Commodes

**JOHNNY DEPP SURVIVOR**

**ACT ONE: SCENE ONE**

**DISCLAIMER: I don't own anything:**

**21 Jumpstreet, Nightmare on Elm Street, Edward Scissorhands, From Hell, Benny and Joon, Pirates of the Caribbean or Secret Window.**

**Sometimes I wish I could, and where dvds are involved, I do own all of them. However, the characters themselves are not mine. Now, on to the main event!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**

_(Setting: Small caribbean island in the middle of nowhere. One by one they make their way up onto the beach. First SAM, helping EDWARD to shore as EDWARD'S "hands" make it a bit difficult for swimming. Next, HANSON and ABBERLINE crawl onto the sand, after spitting up the water they were choking on, they turn to see where the others have disappeared to. They watch GLEN climb up the beach, and help him up, then they watch JACK and MORT slowly fight their way up. MORT lunges forward and drags JACK to the ground, taking him by the neck. The two of them wrestle on the sand as the waves roll over them. This would be romantic--if MORT were not intent on murdering JACK. HANSON and ABBERLINE, our law enforcement of the island, run to the mad author and the pirate captain and tear them off of each other. HANSON grabs MORT, ABBERLINE grabs JACK. They maintain their holds on them until they have calmed down enough to be civil.)_

MORT: You! This is your fault Sparrow! (_then with southern accent) _You stole my story.

JACK: Actually--borrowed without permission.

MORT(_voice normal again)_: Don't start with me Sparrow.

GLEN(_kicks sand)_: This sucks!

_((EDWARD has finally stopped choking on the water he's swallowed and is thoughtfully clicking his "fingers" together and looking around. INSPECTOR ABBERLINE and SAM empty their hats and replace them on their heads they are mirror images of each other. SAM smiles and, sensing the tension, removes his hat again and begins twirling it between his hands. He then proceeds into an entire hat trick routine. He then replaces the hat and looks around. The others are not impressed, except for EDWARD who smiles joyfully and tries to clap excitedly.)_

MORT: Sam! Stop! It's not funny, okay? Never was.

EDWARD: Yes it is Mort! Do it again Sam! _(so, SAM does.)_

HANSON: What day is it?

GLEN: Friday.

HANSON: Great, now I'm gonna miss my bowling night.

MORT: We're stranded on a !$#ing island, and you're worried about missing your bowling night?!

HANSON: Yes.

MORT: Let me tell you something Hanson, I don't respond well to stupidity okay? Makes me feel icky. So do me a favor, and don't talk to me again.

HANSON: Okey Dokey.

_(HANSON rolls his eyes and walks away. GLEN follows.)_

GLEN: So, bowling huh?

HANSON: Yes! Bowling! I'm in a league.

GLEN: Is it true then?

HANSON: What?

GLEN: That girls like bowlers.

HANSON: Yeah, well, you know...

GLEN: Think you could teach me?

HANSON: Really?

GLEN: Sure, why not? Like there's anything better to do on a deserted island.

HANSON: Well, first we'll need a ball and some pins.

GLEN: Okey dokey.

HANSON: Secondly, don't use my lines. It confuses the readers.

_(GLEN looks up at YOU THE READER and waves sheepishly)_

GLEN: Sorry.

_(GLEN and HANSON begin their search for a ball and pins. Meanwhile, on the other end of the beach, SAM and EDWARD are looking for materials to build a shelter.)_

SAM: So, it must be pretty difficult to shake hands with those huh Ed?

EDWARD: Yes, it is.

SAM: Well, I have an idea of how we can put them to use. See if you can cut down that palm tree over there would you Ed?

_(EDWARD begins sawing into the tree with all his might. It begins teetering and SAM grabs EDWARD by the shirt and pulls him backward, letting out a warning call worthy of Paul Bunyan (A/N: sorry, Minnesotan joke there...)_)

SAM: TIMBER!!!!!

_(JACK, who has been sunbathing the whole time, immediately bolts upright when he hears the commotion. He sees the tree hit the sand and, panicking, runs over to SAM and EDWARD.)_

JACK: No! Stop! Not good! What are you doing? You've destroyed the shade!

SAM: Relax, we're just getting some wood so we can build a camp area.

EDWARD: yeah, we're building a fort. Then we'll have a place to eat and sleep, and tell stories and spend time together and play and _(continues in the background)_

JACK_(to SAM)_: What have you been telling him?

SAM: Nothing I swear.

EDWARD: Ooo! Ooo! Sam! When we're done building our fort can we play a game?

SAM: Sure Ed, what game?

EDWARD: umm...Pirates!

_(JACK raises an eyebrow at EDWARD'S game selection, then shakes his head and returns to his spot on the beach. MORT sees SAM and EDWARD and joins them. He watches them cut down three more palm trees before saying anything.)_

MORT: So, what are you doing?

SAM: Building our humble abode.

EDWARD_(voice shaky, about to burst out in tears)_: b-b-but, I thought it was a fort!

SAM: No, no no no, Ed, it is! It is a fort! That's just another name for a fort. You've gotta stop taking things so literally Ed.

EDWARD_(comforted, yet still worried)_: Oh. Okay. A bumble commode?

SAM: Sure. Something like that...Look, why don't we take a break for awhile?

_(GLEN and HANSON have given up on their search for awhile as well, and join MORT, SAM and EDWARD.)_

EDWARD: Yeah! We can play pirates! I love pirates!

_(GLEN eyes EDWARD'S hands. The sharp blades protruding from each one immediately remind him of Freddy Krueger. GLEN'S eyes go wide with fear as EDWARD drapes an arm around his shoulder.)_

EDWARD(_cont.)_ I'll be Captain Hook and you can be Long John Silver. Who do you want to be Sam?

SAM(_you barely hear this as they walk away, EDWARD'S arm still wrapped around GLEN._) Anyone but that Jack Sparrow...How about umm...Captain Barbossa?

_(JACK is suddenly struck by a brilliant lightning bolt of thought and he begins walking towards a grove of palm trees taking huge steps and nearly losing his balance a few times. He stops at one of the trees and knocks, listening intensely. INSPECTOR ABBERLINE watches him do this. JACK runs across to another palm tree and jumps up and down on a spot that he seems familiar with. He runs back to the first palm and knocks again. INSPECTOR ABBERLINE approaches JACK cautiously. MORT starts having an animated conversation with himself in the background, his hands flailing, he has obviously lost his temper with whoever this invisible person is. INSPECTOR ABBERLINE takes a few more steps towards JACK, who is now on his knees, digging in the sand for something.)_


	2. Alien Inhabited Astronaut is Aboard

_A/N: since I got such great reception, here's the next scene! I have added Johnny's character from The Astronaut's Wife. I know not many people have probably seen it so...I will say that it is an amazing move!!!!!!! Johnny is soooo hott!!!!!!! WATCH IT!!!!!!!!!_

_Disclaimer: I don't own anything._

_(Several hours later. SAM and EDWARD have finished their game of pirates with GLEN and are now back working on their hut. HANSON and GLEN are still in search of pins for their bowling alley, having found a coconut tree and decided to use them as balls. Going farther and farther from camp, they stumble through a palm tree grove and find another man sitting on the beach about 1/2 a mile from camp. SPENCER ARMACOST sits, staring into space, almost in a trance-like state.)_

GLEN: Who's that?

HANSON: Like I know. _(slowly approaches SPENCER, taps him on the shoulder.)_ Excuse me? Sir? _(SPENCER doesn't even flinch.)_

GLEN: Hey man! Hello-oo?!

HANSON: Glen! Knock it off.

_(SPENCER looks up)_

SPENCER: I live there!

GLEN: Oh. Kay.

HANSON: That's good. You got a name cowboy?

SPENCER: I"m not a f-ing cowboy! F-ing A! I'm an astronaut!

HANSON: Well, that's cool. You hungry? Sam's cooking supper. Join us. It'll be fun.

SPENCER: I live there!

HANSON: Yeah, you told us that already.

GLEN_(moves to SPENCER and pulls him up off the ground.)_: C'mon. Let's go.

_(SPENCER, GLEN and HANSON get back to camp where SAM and EDWARD have finished building the hut and SAM now has a blazing fire burning. JACK and EDWARD are in the water. EDWARD is spearing fish with his blades, while JACK tries wrestling them instead. MORT is standing near the water, shouting instructions to JACK in a thick southern drawl. Shooter's here. ABBERLINE sits, back to a tree, not facing them, absorbed in a book he's managed to salvage. GLEN HANSON and SPENCER enter, and everyone looks up at the newcomer.)_

MORT: Who the hell is that?

HANSON: We've found your alter ego Morty.

MORT: You got you a wrong number mister. Ain't no Mort here. Mort's dead.

HANSON: I see my point was well taken.

_(SPENCER reaches out to shake MORT'S hand)_

SPENCER: Commander Spencer Armacost. Pleased to meet you.

MORT: John Shooter. I'm a dairy farmer from Mis'isippi.

GLEN: UGH! Would you give it up already man? You are not John Shooter. There is no John Shooter. Your name is Morton Rainey.

HANSON: Spencer, this is Mort Rainey, our resident schizophrenic author. Then there's Sam, the Martha Stewart of the island. That hut is his handywork, with the help of the swiss army knife, Edward over there. And over behind that tree is Inspector Frederick Abberline, he's in law, like me. And the guy with the fish_ (JACK promptly drops the fish he had)_ okay, without the fish. Is Jack Sparrow--

JACK_(looks up from his intent gaze on the fish):_ CAPTAIN! Captain, Jack Sparrow, if you please sir.

HANSON: Sorry, Captain, Jack Sparrow. He's a pirate. And you've already met Glen. Everyone, this is Commander Spencer Armacost. He's an astronaut.

_(EDWARD, fish speared on each finger looks up)_

EDWARD: An astronaut? Cool! Have you ever seen an alien Mr. Armacost?

_(EDWARD and SPENCER continue chatting in the background as EDWARD goes to the fire and SAM shows him how to roast the fish)_

JACK_(splashing, diving, slipping, falling)_: Almost got ye! _(JACK finally manages to get ahold of a fish around the middle. He smiles proudly.) _I've got one! Ye'll always remember this as the day that you almost escaped from Captain, Jack Sparr---_(the fish escapes) _Oh...Damn.

SAM: Just forget it Jack, we've got enough already. Just wash up for supper.

JACK: Wash up? Did ye jus' tell me ta wash up?

SAM: Yeah. That's what I said.

JACK: Now listen closely lad, I'm Captain Jack Sparrow. Nobody tells me to wash up.

SAM: Then I guess you'll have to go hungry.

JACK: Wha--? Tha's not right. _(Turns to HANSON for help) _ Tommy?

HANSON: You heard him Jack. Clean up or no food.

JACK: Whose side are you on?

HANSON: I'm a police officer. You're a pirate. Any further explination needed?

_(JACK puts his arm around HANSON, much to his dismay, and drags him away from the group. Out of their hearing range.)_

JACK: Listen mate...you help me I help you.

HANSON: What are you talking about?

JACK: Let's jus' say i's a matter of leverage...I can get you off this island. My plan has almos' been perfected.

HANSON: Great. And how do you plan to get us out of here? Sea turtles?

JACK: Aye...sea turtles...

A/N: hope you enjoyed it! R&R!!!!!!!!!!


	3. What I Miss Most

**SCENE III: What I miss most...**

_(Thankee so much for the awesome reviews! You guys all rock! I love you! This next bit is a tad sentimental...bear with me...Also, once again I've fallen in love with yet another Johnny character...Don Juan DeMarco...There's a new stowaway on the island...I really have to stop watching all these Johnny Depp movies...ha...yeah right!)_

_Disclaimer: don't own it..._

_(After dinner: the eight guys sit on the sand, the sun setting, the fire crackling merrily...)_

**GLEN: **You know, I never thought I'd ever miss home. I've always wanted to just get away...

**EDWARD: **I like it out here.

**HANSON:** It's kinda nice to get away from it all.

**GLEN: **Yeah, but how are we gonna get back to it?

**JACK: **What do ye miss most?

**SAM:** Joon.

**GLEN: **Television

**SPENCER: **_(points to the sky) _Up there.

**EDWARD: **Home.

**HANSON: **Bowling. I can't wait to get back to my league.

_(They are silent. **MORT **_and _**ABBERLINE** haven't said a word. **MORT** misses Amy, **ABBERLINE** misses his wife and child. Of course they wouldn't say it out loud.)_

**SAM:** What about you Jack? What do you miss?

**JACK:** The Pearl. Me ship. It's more beautiful than anything in the world.

**SAM:** You don't know beautiful. Joon is beautiful.

**HANSON: **No, beautiful is a newly shined ball racing down the lane towards those pins. And you know it's a strike before it's even close to them.

**SPENCER**: You're all mistaken. You ever been in the earth's atmosphere, looked down and seen your home from miles above? You can see every ocean, every mountain, and even though you've seen it before, it's all brand new.

**HANSON:** Sounds great.

**SPENCER:** Yeah. It is.

**JACK:** Well, I'm off. Don't wait up mates. _(He stands and nods at **HANSON**, who gets up several minutes later after **JACK** leaves.)_

**HANSON:** I think I'll go for a walk...

_(**HANSON ** meets **JACK** down the beach, away from the others. They are secluded and hidden.)_

**HANSON:** Alright Jack, what's your plan?

**JACK: **First, we wade out into the shallows and we wait there three days an' three nights, til all matter of sea creatures 'come acclimated to our presence, savvy?

**HANSON:** Sure, but then what?

**JACK:** Then we rope a couple of sea turtles, lash 'em together and make a raft.

**HANSON:** What do we use for rope?

**JACK:** Human hair. From our backs.

**HANSON:** You're sure this will work?

**JACK: **In theory.

_(There is a rustling from behind a palm tree. **HANSON** and **JACK** whip around and are greeted by a sword in the face. This sword is held by a young man about 21 years old. He is dressed in a Zorro-type outfit. He has a black mask and cape on.)_

**JACK:**_(pulls out his own sword): _Bloody Hell! Who are you!

**DON JUAN:**_(with Mexican accent):_ I am Don Juan DeMarco! The greatest lover in the world! You have not heard of the Great Don Juan?

**HANSON: **No, not really...

**JACK:** Likewise.

**DON JUAN:** Ha ha ha! You ignorant fools! There is no one in the world who doesn't know of the Great Don Juan DeMarco!

**JACK:** And why are ye so great?

**DON JUAN: ** I have made love to over a thousand women!

**JACK: **_(to **HANSON**):_ Well, he's got me beat.

**HANSON:** Me too then.

**DON JUAN:** What are you doing on my island of Eros?

**JACK:** This isn't Eros, mate.

**DON JUAN:** It must be. For my great love, my Dona Ana, she will come to me here.

**HANSON:** Maybe we are on Eros, Jack. I mean, we don't really know where we are.

**JACK:** Is your name really Don Juan?

**DON JUAN:** Of course fool! There is none other! I am Don Juan!

**HANSON:** Should we bring him back to camp?

**JACK:** Can't 'urt mate...I just wonder how many more there can be...

_(They bring **DON JUAN** back to camp, some of the others are asleep, some aren't.)_

**ABBERLINE:** Who's that?

**DON JUAN: **Don Juan DeMarco! The world's greatest lover!

**ABBERLINE:** Don Juan was a book character.

**HANSON:** Great, just what we need. Another schizophrenic.

_(Hope you enjoy! R&R)_


	4. The Fangirls

_( Hello! It's me again! Sorry for the extremely long delay on the next scene. I have at least three written, I will post them asap! You guys all gave such awesome awesome reviews that I felt guilty for my writer's block. So here's the next scene!)_

**THE FANGIRLS**

**GLEN:** Hey Tommy, will these work for pins?

**HANSON:** What are they?

_(HANSON joins GLEN. This side of the island is covered with glass bottles. Each of the bottles has a piece of paper inside of it.)_

**GLEN:** I don't know. But they'll work, won't they?

**HANSON**: Yeah, gather them up.

_(HANSON and GLEN begin to pick up the bottlews. They bring them back to camp and deposit them in the sand in a pile.)_

**SAM**: Would you quit messing this place up! I'm sick of cleaning up after you Glen, I think you're old enough to know better. And you, Tom, you're a bad influence on him.

**HANSON: **Me? What did I do?

**SAM**: You make just as many messes as he does. You know, I clean and cook all day and I get no thanks whatsoever.

**GLEN:** Nobody asked you to clean and cook you femme little--

**HANSON**: Glen, don't speak to your elders like that---is that better Sam?

**SAM:** Much.

**GLEN: **Wha--

**HANSON:** I mean it.

**GLEN:** Man! This sucks.

_(GLEN storms off and sits under a palm tree, arms crossed.)_

**SAM:** Thanks.

**HANSON: **Eh, no problem. I hate teenagers.

**SAM:** But, you work with them.

**HANSON:** Yeah, I arrest them...but you know, Glen's not that bad. He kind of reminds me of me when I was that age...

**SAM:** Yeah, me too...weird...So, what's with the bottles?

**HANSON:** Bowling pins.

**SAM: **Ah, what's in them?

**HANSON:** I don't know.

**SAM:** Well, shall we find out?

_(HANSON and SAM each grab a bottle and take out the papers. DON JUAN has come back from his routine watch for Dona Ana and sits next to them)_

**HANSON:** It's a letter.

**SAM:** Read it.

**HANSON:** _(clears throat)_ Dear Johnny, my name is Heather and I'm your biggest fan. I love all your movies and I love you. You're the hottest man alive and I wish I could meet you. Please write back. Love, Heather.

**SAM:** Weird. Here, I'll read this one: Johnny, I'm writing to tell you what a hottie you are. I love you so much and I'm your biggest fan. Please write back. Love, Amber.

**DON JUAN:** Who is this man, this Johnny?

**HANSON:** I don't know.

**SAM:** Whoever he is, it sounds like the ladies love him.

**DON JUAN:** I must meet this Johnny.

**HANSON:** Here, one more...Dear Johnny, my name is Kourtney and you're the greatest actor in the world--

**SAM:** So, he's an actor...

**HANSON:** My favorite character is Jack Sparrow. He's the funniest one you've ever done.

**SAM:** Huh?

**HANSON:** I don't know...here, there's more--I also love Mort Rainey, there's just something sexy about bad boys like him and Spencer Armacost. Thanks for everything, Kourtney.

**SAM:** How does she know Jack, Mort and Spencer?

**HANSON:** Well, obviously, they are characters this guy, Johnny, has played in movies...

_(Crickets chirp. DON JUAN and SAM stare at him, dumbfounded.)_

**HANSON:** Or not...

_(DON JUAN begins searching the bottles as SAM shakes his head at HANSON. DON JUAN finds a picture in one of the bottles and he is staring at it lustfully.)_

**DON JUAN:** Ah, yes my beautiful darling...I shall love thee! I shall..._(begins to unzip pants)_ and you shall love me...yes you shall my love...

**HANSON:** Hey! Zorro! There will be none of that on my island.

**DON JUAN:** My love, ah yes, my love.

**HANSON:**_(smacks DON JUAN upside the head) _Hey!

**DON JUAN:** Must you interrupt. I am busy. _(indicates pictue)._

**HANSON:** _(sighs in frusteration, and begins walking away.)_ Sam, let's go and leave Zorro here to his--erm--business...

**SAM:** Right behind ya Tommy...

(How was that? Did it satisfy your appitite? Willy Wonka will be in the next chappie, I promise...)


	5. The New Guy In The Sugar Boat

(A/N okay okay, I know it's been a long time, and I 'm sorry! So here is the one you've all been waiting for: "Willy Wonka, Willy Wonka, the amazing chocolatier, Willy Wonka Willy Wonka everybody give a cheer!" Also, it's a huge joke with our colorguard that when our coach or captain needs our attention, they do the oompa loompa call and we answer back with the call. It has gotten us many a strange look from people at school, at the mall, in resturaunts...yeah...)

(JACK and HANSON are sitting on the beach, having given up their sea turtle quest for the time being and HANSON spots a speck floating in the distance)  
**HANSON:** Jack, what's that?  
**JACK**: Wha's what lad?  
**HANSON**(points): That pink speck out there.  
**JACK**: That lad---is a boat!  
**HANSON:** A boat! Jack! We're saved! (HANSON starts waving his arms around and shouting at the boat)  
**JACK:** Wait a minute--it's sinking!  
(HANSON stops and squints at the boat, and as it nears them, they realize that it isn't sinking)  
**HANSON**: It's disinigrating!  
**WONKA:** GOOD MORNING STARSHINE! THE EARTH SAYS HELLO!  
**JACK**: Oh-kay.  
(The boat floats closer and a man in a jacket and top hat swims toward them, struggling to stay above water)  
**JACK**: Do ye need some 'elp mate?  
(The man crawls onto the beach, coughs up some water and stands up, brushing himself off. HANSON and JACK stare in awe)  
**WONKA**: No...heh heh...you're really weird.  
**HANSON**: Who are you?  
**WONKA**: My name is Willy Wonka! I shake you warmly by the hand! (WONKA extends hand and squeaks gloves, retracts hand.) Okey Dokey then!  
**HANSON**(breaking character): So, how much did Burton have to pay you to get you to say that line again?  
**WONKA**(also breaking character): Oh he just tacked another mil onto what he owed me for making me get this ridiculus haircut.  
**JACK**: blank stare  
**WONKA**(back in character): LU LU LU LU LU LU LU!  
(HANSON and JACK cover their ears)  
**JACK:** Bloody 'ell mate! What on earth are ye doin'?  
**WONKA**: I'm calling my oompa loompas of course. LU LU LU LU LU LU LU!  
**HANSON:** Your what?  
**WONKA**: Oompa loompas. From Loompa Land.  
**JACK**: Mate, I've been all over this world in me ship and I've never even 'eard-  
**WONKA**: Well then you'll know all about it and what a terrible country it is...LU LU LU LU LU LU LU!  
(In the distance, breaking through the trees are seven girls with flags and rifles)  
**AHS COLORGUARD**: LU LU LU LU LU LU LU LU! (they stop at WONKA's feet)  
**WONKA**: You are not my oompa loompas!  
**ERIN-THE-COLORGUARD-MASTER:** Yeah, you're not our coach either. (The girls begin to walk away and we hear their mutters)  
**MEGAN**: ----stupid chocolatier.  
**MOLLY**: ----gonna miss practice.  
**JUDY:** ----Diana's gonna kill us.  
**STEPH** : ---all the way back to Minnesota now.  
**EMILY:** ---your fault Keira!  
**KEIRA**: I swear I---winks at reader  
**HANSON**: Well, that was unexpected.  
**WONKA**: LU LU LU LU LU LU LU!  
**JACK:** BLOODY HELL! Knock it off!  
**HANSON:** There are no oompa loompas here!  
**WONKA**: No---oompa loompas.  
**HANSON**: No, none! So stop it!  
**WONKA:** How---but---I-  
**JACK**: Come on mate and we'll get ye dried off...

(So, what do you think of this one? I wrote the chapter awhile ago during colorguard season especially for my girls! Love you guys! R&R and you'll get cookies! Plot Bunny cookies! Yay! More to come I promise!)


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